Good evening.

My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organization called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee.

Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.

Now letís take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy?
Donít get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if youíre lucky, weíll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.

And the same applies to buying a house.

Weíre the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimmney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby thatís as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy.

Or a baby in a nappy.

Or a cosi in Bengazi.

Now, a lot of compaints we receive, of course,. are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that heíd taken his wife out to dinner in the West End.

And heíd ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney
And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie.
The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky
Brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didnít have a jelly.
Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari
In a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.

And the chili wasnít beefy and the turkey was all tacky
And plate of ministrone tasted more like cockaleekie.
And his tummy felt quite rummy. For the café was so sleazy,
He contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy.
When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy,
He couldnít dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.

He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty
And he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty.
So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee
And we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi . . . er, shocky.

So, if youíve bought a whiskey and itís made you rather frisky,
Or are just a little cookie thatís looking for some nookie,
Or if youíre feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey
Or if youíre feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkieís feeling perky
Or if Perkyís feeling rocky and Rockyís feeling kinky,
Then youíll all be very lucky if you donít end up in Chucky.
You can do the Hokey Cokey, itís jolly hockey sticky
If the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo!
If the goods are shoddy, thereís no good to anybody
And the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!

And if you think thatíll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy!
Nightie nightie!!!

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