ALL: 
Now in the month of Maying, 
When merry lads are playing,, 
With a fa la la, la la la la la la 
With a fa la la la la 

Each lying on the grass 

RB: 
She’s such a silly ass 
With a fa la la, la la la la la la 
With a fa la la la la 

Just like a donkey braying 

RC: 
I don’t think she’ll be staying, 
With a fa la la, la la la la la la 
With a fa la la la la 

Her firm is moving south 
She works for Rent-a-Mouth 
With a fa . . . 

RB: 
She looks a bit like Flo. 
That’s a horse I used to know. 
With a fa la la, la la la la la la 
With a fa la la la la 

THIS OLD MAN 

ALL: 
This old man, he played one 
He played knick knack on my drum 
Knick knack paddywhack 
Give a dog a bone 
This old man came rolling home 

RC: 
Her old man next to you 
Needs a damn good talking to 
Knick knack paddywhack 
Now she’s in the club, 
He’s off boozing down the pub 

RB: 
My old man, he plays hell, 
After all the girls as well. 
Knick knack paddy whack 
Give ‘im half a chance, 
He’d lead me a right old dance. 

RC: 
My old man’s just as bad. 
Thinks himself a proper lad 
Knick knack paddy whack 
Lock ‘im in the loo 
That soon cools his how’d you do. 

RB: 
Her old man, he’s the same 
He’s in love with what’s-her-name 
Big jaws, droopy drawers,
Standing at the end 
Known to all as man’s best friend. 

ALL: 
This old man, he played nine 
He’s as bad as yours or mine 
Dick, Jack, Harry, Mac, 
Trevor, Doug or Mike 
All old men are all alike. 

NYMPHS AND SHEPHERDS 

RB: 
Cynthia Shepherd has gone away 
Gone away 

RC: 
Where’d she gone? 

RB: 
Her mother won’t say 
Saturday, she packed and went away 

RC: 
Dennis Grove 
Dennis Grove across the way 
He went away on Saturday 
Now wait, I know what you’re going to say 
P’raps he went on holiday. 

RB: 
Yes, and Cynthia met him halfway. 

RC: 
That’s not like Cynthia at all, 
She’s not the sort of girl to muck about. 

RB: 
You’re joking! 
I’ve often seen her stop to take a bloke in. 

RC: 
Oh, Elsie! 
He’s really have to urge her, ‘cos her father is a verger 
And her mother is a vegetarian. 

RB: 
That daft young cow! 

RC: 
Now now now, now now now, now now now, 
It’ll turn out right, you’ll see. 

RB: 
Oh, very well. 
But time will tell. 

RC: 
You are just as bad as me. 
You’re always putting two and two together 
And making three. 

RB: 
Just remember what I say, 
Come what may, 
She’ll be in the family way 
One fine day, 
That’s why she’s gone away! 

OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE? 

ALL: 
Oh dear, what can the matter be? 

RC: 
I went to the hairdresser’s Saturday 
There we sat like hens in a battery 
While the young men did our hair. 

The first one to do me, his name it was Michael, 
He wanted to give me a ride on his cycle, 
As much as I’d like a good cycle with Michael, 
I don’t trust the crossbar, so there. 

The second one, he was a Welsh boy called Billy 
He wanted to show me the hills of Caerphilly 
I wouldn’t trust Billy beyond Piccadilly, 
There’s no mountain climbing up there. 

The Manager thought that he’d just keep his hand in, 
He promised to show me his flat on the landing, 
But when we got there, it was nothing outstanding, 
In fact, quite a pokey affair. 

Oh dear, I learned Saturday 
No good responding to flattery 
That won’t recharge your battery 
I’ll do my own bloody hair. 

SWEET MOLLY MALONE

RB: 
We’ve got a new milkman 
His skin is like silk, man 
He’s van’s full of goodies 
He brings round to tell 
He’s full of surprises 
He’s got eggs of both sizes 
He’s got half cream and full cream 
And whipped cream as well 

But he’s leaving next Sunday 
And he starts work on Monday 
At the new fish and chip shop 
Just down by the green 
But I’m still weak from hunger 
He's my fancy fishmonger 
He’s got cockles and mussels 
Like you’ve never seen 

Alive, alive-o 
Alive, alive-o 
Oh no doubt about it 
They’re alive, alive-o 

PIPES OF PAN 

RC: 
Have you heard about young Mandy 
At the annual dinner dance? 

RB: 
Hurry up and tell me what, what what. 

RC: 
Someone laced the punch with brandy 
And she never stood a chance. 

RB: 
Drunk she got, silly clot. 

RC: 
Lost an earring in a fight. 

RB: 
That’s not all she lost that night, 
A policeman so they say 
Found her knickers a mile away 
In Harrow, 
On someone’s barrow 
Wrapped ‘round a marrow 
Marked half-a-crown. 

ALL: 
Oh-h-h . . . 

RB: 
Hurry, hurry, hurry, 
I’ve got to go and cook a flan, 
My husband Keith has lost his teeth 
He flushed them down the pan. 
In the can. 

RC: 
I’ll speak to Anne, her husband Dan’s 
The sanitary man. 
You never know where they may turn up 

BOTH: 
In . . . 

ALL: The merry, merry pipes of Pan!